An Agoraphic Morning


It’s just not easy

being me

Had (wanted) to

go out this morning

My old friend:

“Agoraphobia”

reared it’s head

I fight, with every ounce

of strength I have

but as much

as I want out

I want NOT to go

I did go

Almost 2 hours

is just too long

I have no money

Would it make

a difference?

NO

I cannot give in

I NEED to go

to the doctor

next week

I ALWAYS go

early in the morning

I’m scheduled to go

at 2:15 PM

I HATE that

I have no choice

I will do it

All and all

today went fine

No worse for wear

it”s nice out

Walgreen’s was my first stop

I could have walked home

I did not do that

I walked from Walgreen’s

to Five Below

from there to

Ross- to Famous Footwear-

to Walmart

I just walked around

…aimlessly…

I had no money

I bought a soda

and walked out

There was a guy with

his cat on the bench

The cat took up half

the bench

I wanted to sit;

to smoke 1/2

a cigarette

He moved the cat

and motioned for me

to take the seat

I did; and I thanked him

I wanted the bus to arrive

The guy sitting on the bench

told me he was waiting

for his girlfriend

Maybe he thought

I was coming on to him

I wasn’t- but-

because of my Dystonia,

I look like I looking to my left

it’s the way my neck is twisted

I used to this

I quickly defused this line of thinking

by saying something about my

(ex) husband

unless he confronted me;

I would not mention

my handicap

The guy’s girlfriend came out

and off they went

The bench was mine

I lit a cigarette;

and smoked about 1/2,

put it out and back

in the box

waste not…want not

The Walmart employee

who brings the carts back

reconized me and said “hi”

a young kid- nice

I commented how nice

the weather was

It was now ALMOST

time for the bus

The bus was a bit early-

the driver knows me

I had no bags

He teased me about this

I got home less than 5 minutes later

A morning in the life

of a confirmed agoraphobic

I did ok

no panic attack

same time next week?

NOPE- I have to go to the doctor

-or I would-

I have to

  

 

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2 comments

  1. jser67

    Sometimes I have to do what I have to do. I know that right now my problems are kind of insignificant, but I do appreciate the support. I’m just getting to the point where I think this just will be ongoing. Everytime I arrange to go out- I agonize over it. It should be easier and it’s just not. I thank G-d that I am usually able to muster up the courage to go out.

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