Hate This Feeling


I hate this feeling
DEPRESSED- my Dr said

He could actually
see my pain
He asked whether I wanted
a pain med
reluctenly, I said: “Yes”
something light~ something benign
but I know that there is NO benign drug
Every medication has side effects
I finally said I would use
“novacaine” patches

I don’t know whether my Dr
knows how depressed I am
Maybe he saw the depression
rather than the pain

I went to my therapist
I cried
She knows my stance
on Anti’depressants
No way; no how
would rather die
…and that’s the truth

The older I get;
the harder it hits
and it’s takes longer
to cycle back

I hate this ffeeling
It’s stats in the pit
of my stomache
and somehow travels
up to my throat

I want it to go away
I want to feel like me again

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7 comments

  1. ModWestMuse

    When you body feels ill, you may need medicine, may need just rest, may need a doctor’s expert advice.

    When your soul feels ill, I urge you to seek a different ‘medicine’, contemplative (earnest) rest, and a soul-expert’s advice. Seek whichever ‘religion’ that makes the most sense – but you must seek. Obviously I will be biased towards Islam as I see it as the over arch, the caretaker, the criterion that makes sense of the others and none. But don’t take my word for it. Each soul will taste life, each will taste death. And only your conscience will be judged by the decisions you take. I want you to feel calmer, reassured, that there is no need to fear – about anything. Consider the orphan children, the poor in war-torn lands. Who cares for them? Is ours that bad? And even if so, “Surely, for every hardship comes ease” (Quran 94:6).

    Jser67 – you must be kind, earnest to your self – as she has a right over you. Especially when your soul cries for that enlivening drop of the healing water. Listen to your heart. The worst you can do is nothing.

    My prayers are with you sister in humanity. Stay strong 🙂 (Forgive me if I have offended you. That was never my intention. Any errors here are my own)

  2. jser67

    Thank you- I do not like medicine. When my kids were young and had colds, I would NOT give them any “Over the Counter” medications UNLESS their Pediatrician told me to- she agreed with me. All illnesses that did not require perscribed meds must run their course. I only gaved them Tylenol for fevers. I have been hypersensitive to meds ALL my life.

    You have not offended me at all. Support and caring is ALWAYS welcomed.

  3. maryamchahine

    Depression is extremely hard and I only understand its surface reality from what I’ve read about it from others and their experiences. Stay away from medicines as much as you can – as you know they do more harm than good. I like what Br. Arif said and maybe you will find something there to help you. No matter what path you seek to rid yourself of the pain inside you, I hope you find peace and happiness eventually. I’m glad that you are writing – it helps to take off some of the burden.

  4. jser67

    I do not take neuoleptics at all. The ONLY thing worse than Depression is more Dystonia. SSRIS have bad side effects. Writing is venting. Thanks for reading!

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