Family History XII


My Mother was the strongest
person I’ve ever know
My Dad was uni-polar-depressive
which I believe I inherited
My Mom did all the small repairs on ny house

My Dad and I could not screw in a lightbulb
TOGETHER
MY Mom worked
after I started school
I resented that
As I’ve noted
I come from a long line of
workacholics
I’ve worked only in
short spirts
My Mom also told me she has
wanted a child after me,
(I was born after az toxic
seisure- resultging in CP)
My Mom was told to ignore
my handicap and raise me normsl
Which worked; but at the same time;
I could never understand why other kids
were “more normal”

I was finally told about the damage
when a college Dr insiste that I had CP

I did not blame my Mother
G- d knows she must have gone
tnhrough her own private hell
I never asked
She simply was the kind of person
who did what needed to be done

As a mother, you can only use instinct
My Mom was also right about this fact
Kids do come with an in stuction mannuel

My Dad worked 7 days a week
He was totally lost with out work

When he was home,
He either rested,
went to see friends
or relatives

My Father had been
the member of aa High School
Fraturnity- they continued
to meet every other Friday night
most of his adult life
rom what I could gather
“he boys” were all so different
It became more like a trip
to a therapist

THese guys loved deach other
My Dad passed
The remaining members
of the Boys of Sigma Chi
(A made up name)
attended the funeral
and were as grief sticken
as I was

My Dad was a good person
with bad habits
(he had been injured
during WWII and
unfortunately acquired
an addiction to pain killers)

He was not your typical jukie
he functioned at a very high level

and I truely think
I was the only one who really knew

I grew up in the drug-ridden 60’s
I was the one getting him drugs
When you grow up seeing someone
taking every drug that he could get
and STILL functioning….
I thought it was…normal?

I wonder if my Mom knew
When he was in the hospital
He wanted a Valium
I walked out to the nurses desk
and said
“The Prince wants his Valium”
…and he got it

Everyone has addictions
He was my Dad
and I loved him
but….

My Mom was straight
as an arrow
she truely was the “glue”
that held my terribly dysfunal
family together

MY Mom sacrificed
her own health
when my Dad was sick

She was sick
and NEVER told anyone
After he dies
She told me she had
Early Dementia
I was moving
and would not leave
Maryland without her

She was STILL working
at the time
but she was having
difficuly driving
I called the Dr
I was moving to NJ
there was NO way
she was staying in Maryland
even if I had to use my
Power Of Attorney
to force her hand

Ever the realist;
she came with me
Unfortunately
I had been dianosed
with Dystonia by then
and after coming to NJ
I had to put her in a nursing home
I just could not care for her
any longer

She knew
She did not agrue with me
I feel guilty to this day;
yet, at the same time
I knew I did what need to be done

Though it is not my fault
that I developed Dystonia;
I could not PHYSICALLY
take care of my Mother

In a way, she had come full circle
At the time, she in her upper 70’s
She was more like a child
and I just could not take care of her needs

The rest home I put her in was
better equipped to deal
with her day- to-day than I was
It was a hard decision

My Mother was more comfortable
(and supportive) of my decision
than I was

I should have gone to see her
more often

But I could’ve and should’ve
done was not reality
At the same time
I had to send her
to the rest home;
I was told to stop driving

While I knew about the bus
I was still trying to deal with
not driving

Hindsight is 20/20

I should have seen her more
but I could not sit there
My oom knew it
I just wonder if she knew
how much love I had for her

I would give anything for 1 more day

no can do
She’s gone

…and so it goes

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4 comments

  1. maryamchahine

    I took care of people who had alzheimers disease for a while. It’s very heartbreaking to see someone lose their memory. This poem really expresses the emotions of that experience.

    • jser67

      I could not bear to see my “Rock” crumble, but she did. The day I had her taken to the rest home- she grabbed my hand and said “Be strong- Don’t cry for me. You’ve done what you could. If I thought you were doing this out of anything but love- I’d fight you on this- I’ve taught you well- do what you have to do and cry about it later”…I did just that.

      • maryamchahine

        Wow! Very beautiful and heartbreaking words from your mother. I’m sure she would be happy to know that you are still going strong despite it all.

  2. jser67

    I would like to think that I have to be strong- my life is a mess- I use my writing as a voice. My condition will never improve- but I have Dystonia- it does not own me. My first impulse was hide, but I force myself to go out( And write (VENT( about it after…but I go.

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